19 - Day 4, Chapter 1 (AMITYL)

Step One - Feeling 

* How can I describe this feeling?

I am feeling pretty good right now. I had an idea this morning to write a letter to my past 'me', forgiving and accepting the decisions I made back then, as at the time I did what I felt was best for me, and even though now I know different, I shouldn't blame myself for what I didn't know.

* Am I sad, fearful or anxious?

Excited actually, I can't wait to see what this letter is going to turn out like. I might even publish it on this blogspot.

* Am I all three, and more?

I get the feeling it's going to free me of a lot of hang-up's I have about myself, and quieten my ego as I have finally let go of myself.

* Where do I feel this in my body?

In my chest, but it's light, like this feeling doesn't weigh very much and I am happy because of it.

* What does it feel like?

Satisfaction, closure.

* Is it raw?

No, it's new and it shines and it's comfortable.

* Does it have color?

Light yellow

* What shape is it?

Like a cloud

* Is it tight?

No, it's free flowing

* What is underneath it?

ME!

* Is there a word that is associated with it?

Forgiveness (I think I am racing ahead in chapter of the book here, but it feels like the right thing to do, and I am ok with that).

* A person?

Me, yesterday's me.

* A time?

The previous 27 years 

Step Two - Rethinking 

* What are are beliefs I have about myself that are holding me back?  

Writing a letter to my 'past me' wont make me feel any better about myself, nor my past actions. How do I know this to be truth? I haven't even done it yet? 
People will think I am stupid for doing so. The people that matter, don't mind, and the people that mind, don't matter. 

Step Three - Rethinking + Moving 

I am skipping the dancing today and I am going to spend time writing my letter. I was dancing in the car on the way to work thinking how beautiful today is, which is positive progress I am impressed with. 

Step Four - Receiving (Meditating/~ing Write) 

Guided meditation. 

Final thoughts: I am so happy at how my mood has changed in only a couple of days. I am learning to focus on today rather than yesterday or tomorrow. I am learning that I can show love to the people that love me and in doing so I feel better for it, rather than vulnerable like my ego kept portraying. I feel like if this is the positive result I am seeing at day 4 of chapter 1, then imagine what life is going to be like in 12 months when I finally finish! I am so excited to be doing this.

Willow 
x x 

For more information on this please head to http://www.addmoreing.com/ and purchase the book "Add More ~ing To Your Life" written by Gabrielle Bernstein, or post a question below in comments and I will try to answer you as best I can. 

Thank you for reading.

 

18 - Day 3, Chapter 1 (AMITYL)

As you can tell I haven't get an AMITYL entry here. Instead, I decided to add some extra pages onto my blogspot. I am most proud of "About Willow" so please, feel free to have a read and let me know what you think! I am super proud of it and was super happy about it yesterday, which is why I decided to skip a day of Chapter 1.

Willow

x x

For more information on this please head to http://www.addmoreing.com/ and purchase the book "Add More ~ing To Your Life" written by Gabrielle Bernstein, or post a question below in comments and I will try to answer you as best I can. 

 

Thank you for reading.

 

 

17 - Day 2, Chapter 1 (AMITYL)

Step One - Feeling

* How can I describe this feeling?

Right now I feel like I am not me. This person isn't me. I. CAN'T. FEEL. ME. I am so detached from how I am actually feeling it scares me, or maybe I'm not and I'm not letting my feelings through. I do what I always do and box my feelings away and find myself getting angry at the smallest of issues completely unrelated to anything what-so-ever. My boyfriend told me today that he felt like he didn't know me anymore. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with... giving me a HUGE hint that I need to do something to get control of myself, and I once again detached myself from it and replied without emotions. I need help!!

* Am I sad, fearful or anxious?

I am scared that I am going to lose not only myself, but the person I am going to love for the rest of my life as well.

* Am I all three, and more?

It makes me sad.

* Where do I feel this in my body?

My heart mainly, but all over. It sits in my throat.

* What does it feel like?

Like emptiness.

* Is it raw?

Extremely.

* Does it have color?

Black / Gray

* What shape is it?

Black hole

* Is it tight?

Consuming and constricting.

* What is underneath it?

Sadness, lost hope, nothingness.

* Is there a word that is associated with it?

Failure, isolation, being alone. 

* A person?

My ex. He used to hurt me to a point I couldn't mentally handle it and I developed a way of "dealing" with my feelings by looking at the situation like it wasn't me in it, just give myself advise and move on... without actually CHANGING anything. It's almost like I have stuck with that stupid notion that by removing my emotions from the equation, they no longer exist and I apply it to all areas when I don't want to 'deal' with emotions.

* A time?

All the time. 

Step Two - Rethinking 

* What are are beliefs I have about myself that are holding me back? 

I am losing my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I are growing stronger together every day.
I am going to end up alone. My boyfriend and I will grow old together and we're going to be a very happy old wrinkly pair.
I am going to lose myself and become some sort of robot without feelings. I am already moving in the opposite direction to become an emotional life force!
I wont be able to handle my emotions when they surface. I am handling my emotions already, and doing a great job of it. 
My depression will come back and I wont know what to do. Only if I let it, and I choose to be happy. 

Step Three - Rethinking + Moving 

Today's dance soundtrack is:

30 Seconds To Mars - Closer To The Edge
Alicia Keys - Wait Till They See My Smile 

I turned the lights off, closed the bedroom door and put on my sleepy eye mask to stop myself from opening my eyes and getting detracted. The main thought that came to me was that I shouldn't blame myself for what I did in the past, because at the time it was the best thing I knew how to do, and now I know better and I should use my knowledge now to help free all of my pain. I thought of my boyfriend and I growing old together and I cried. 

Step Four - Receiving (Meditating/~ing Write) 

Guided meditation. 

Final thoughts: I love my boyfriend, why am I holding back from him? What am I afraid of so much that would make me risk losing him? All I have to do to get through ANYTHING is breath. Just continue breathing. I am willing to change.

Willow
x x 

For more information on this please head to http://www.addmoreing.com/ and purchase the book "Add More ~ing To Your Life" written by Gabrielle Bernstein, or post a question below in comments and I will try to answer you as best I can.

Thank you for reading.

16 - Day 1, Chapter 1 (AMITYL)

Step One - Feeling

* How can I describe this feeling?

I don't know what feeling I am meant to be feeling. Right now I feel a huge lump in my chest, almost like the pain you get in your neck when you have a sore throat, or you're really nervous. It's almost at the bottom of my lungs, and my shoulders are really tight and my neck is stiff.

* Am I sad, fearful or anxious?

I am anxious that I am not sure if I am going to be able to identify any repressed feelings. I know they are there, and I know there is more than 1, but I don't know where to start! I am also anxious that I am going to harm my baby, as I am 5 months pregnant, but I have come to the conclusion I am doing my baby more harm by doing nothing than by doing something, and by doing this myself I am hoping my baby will come into this world knowing that you have to "feel it to heal it".

* Am I all three, and more?

More. I am also excited that this might work, but if there is one thing my ego is shouting loud and clear is "if this doesn't work then you have nothing left... what's worse, doing this and having nothing, or not doing it and still having hope?"

* Where do I feel this in my body?

My heart.

* What does it feel like?

Well now I am a little sad that I have let my ego take control of my mind right now, but  am hopeful that I will get to the bottom of this negative feeling and be able to acknowledge it for what it is, a lie, a deception and a limiting belief.

* Is it raw?

Very.

* Does it have color?

It's almost like the 'nothingness' from the movie The Never Ending Story. It comes in and wipes everything out, having said that I love storms and there is one rolling in outside so it's like I have my own background special effects to this blog. However I wouldn't say it has a color, although I keep thinking Red for some reason.

* What shape is it?

Empty.

* Is it tight?

Consuming and constricting.

* What is underneath it?

Sadness, lost hope, nothingness.

* Is there a word that is associated with it?

Failure. 

* A person?

Myself, and maybe my mum. It's always been a habit of mum's that if she can't see how it's going to happen then it can't happen. She never meant it in a bad way, but in a more 'think logical' and 'don't put all your eggs in one basket' kind of way. I blame myself as well for 1) listening to her and 2) letting my ego take off and run with it, so now I have a bad habit of thinking if I can't see how, then it can't happen.

* A time?

All the time. 

Step Two - Rethinking 

* What are are beliefs I have about myself that are holding me back? 

I am always scared to take that final leap of faith and trust everything will be alright. I trust myself, and I trust life.

I am terrible with money and I am always going to be living from pay week to pay week. I am fantastic with money, and I always have more than enough.

I am awkward to be around most of the time, which is why I don't have many friends. I am fun and joyful and people enjoy spending time with me.

I am average looking, some days even worse. I am beautiful just the way I am.

I am lazy. I am motivated.

I am never going to find a way to be independent without the help of my parents. I am independent.

I am the boring sensible girlfriend, not the fun loving and happy girlfriend. I am the best girlfriend in the whole wide world and my boyfriend loves me very much!

I am going to have the same negative habits as my mum. I am me, and I make my own decisions about the way I feel. 

Step Three - Rethinking + Moving 

Today's dance soundtrack is:

30 Seconds To Mars - Closer To The Edge

Gwen Stefain - What You Waiting For?

MGMT - Time To Pretend

I turned the lights off, closed the bedroom door and put on my sleepy eye mask to stop myself from opening my eyes and getting detracted. As soon as the first track started I almost cried because I was actually doing something to move on from my old feelings. I even sang along, but I need to remember to repeat the positive affirmations in my mind as I am dancing. All in all I feel better than I did 15 minutes ago, the feeling of empowerment came to me as I was dancing. 

Step Four - Receiving (Meditating/~ing Write) 

Guided meditation. 

Final thoughts: I need more practice with this. I am constantly detracted by outside noises and worried that someone is gong to walk in on me and think I am a weirdo for meditating. I found myself fidgeting and resisting when I let my ego take over and not get involved in the meditation like I should have done. Having said that I am glad for doing it, and I feel better for completing day 1, even if this last step took a while to do. I know I will get better that this and more comfortable with this, and I know I am going to be a better person because of this.

Willow
x x  

For more information on this please head to http://www.addmoreing.com/ and purchase the book "Add More ~ing To Your Life" written by Gabrielle Bernstein, or post a question below in comments and I will try to answer you as best I can.

Thank you for reading.